Ep. 009: Being OUT as a Business Owner
Because I preach a lot about showing up as yourself in business to attract clients that you’ll love working with, I’m going to practice what I preach.
I get pretty vulnerable in this episode (it took everything in me to not go back and re-record this one!), but I think it’s important for people to know who I really am, and how that informs my work.
I also know that visibility is powerful. There are probably many people in my audience who are in a similar situation but are fearful of being “out” as well, or perhaps they just have mixed feelings on it.
While I firmly believe that we are all on our own timeline, and we all have different lives that might make it more challenging to expose certain sides of ourselves, I also know that being vulnerable gives others the courage to be vulnerable too.
Although I’ve always had a lot of queer friends, and straight friends that are open-minded, it took the courage of a new-to-me-friend coming out in order for me to publicly come out in 2018. Courage is contagious!
At the end of the day I only want clients who are jazzed about working with me, and that starts with them knowing who I truly am.
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Anna Vos of Owl Post Lettering
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Erika Tebbens: Hey, welcome back to Sell It! Sister. Uh, today's episode is going to be a little bit different. Um, if you follow me over on Instagram @erikatebbensconsulting, which I hope you do.
Cause I hang out there probably the most, and I love connecting with people and chatting and, and all of that good stuff. Uh, I recently did a post in my stories asking, um, if people would want me to do an episode that had been on my heart and been on my mind, um, since it is pride month now in the US uh, about being out as a business owner. And, um, I got a lot of really great response and I got some good things that people wanted to touch on. And so, uh, even though I kind of had the vulnerability hangover, as soon as I had asked, I realized that I'm really glad that A, I did ask and B, that, um, it is really important for me to talk about, um, at least for myself.
So. I will say, I'm going to preface this by saying that this is not going to be an episode, um, that dives into history of pride month or any larger conversations, um, about the queer community, uh, because there's a lot of experts, uh, and history and everything that already exists online from other amazing people and sources in the world, um, that you can absolutely go ahead and feel free to research, um, on your own as much as much, or as little as you so choose.
So this is going to be more about me in relation to what I teach when it comes to my methodology for selling better. So, yeah. So that's, that's kind of where I'm coming from, um, on this in case you're like, what the hell does this have to do with any old person running a business? And should I bother to listen?
I would say, uh, yeah, go ahead and give it a listen, because this really is more about. Uh, being able to show up and sell and feel good about how you're showing up in your business and with your perfect fit clients and all of that good stuff, rather than just being out for the sake of being out or however you want to look at it.
Um, I'm also going to say that sometimes I jot down a few notes for myself. Uh, and I didn't really do that with this one because I, while I always am kind of speaking off the cuff, I kind of was just like, I was going to do this, um, this weekend get it recorded and everything. And I thought, you know, what the hell with it?
I, this doesn't even have to be perfect. There's always more, I could say on any topic I talk about. So I'm just gonna dive right in and, um, and hop to it. So, uh, for those of you who have only recently come to know me, uh, I last year during, um, on coming out day, my friend, Anna, who's amazing. And you can find her online at Owl Posts Lettering.
She is a phenomenal human. She had only recently become a client of mine then. And she had, and it's funny because I have always, uh, like, you know, I did roller derby for a while that is, uh, has a lot, a lot of queer folks involved in it. Um, and ever since I was younger, like I would say, um, junior high, high school age, I've always been very like, Queer adjacent.
I've always had really good friends in my life, um, who were gay and, uh, whether they were fully out or just out amongst our group of friends like that, that was never a thing. So, uh, pretty much my whole life like, and I, and I grew up in a big city granted it was, um, Phoenix, which you know, is not massively, um, liberal across the board, especially not when I was growing up there, but still it was, I didn't.
I didn't live in some like massively secluded, tiny town, somewhere where there was like no gay people or, or anything. We had the, in fact, the, the Denny's where we used to hang out by my high school. Um, every one local, uh, refers to it as the gate, any, so it's like a gay nightclub across the street, people would go hang out there afterwards.
So, um, so yeah, so it's, I I've definitely, always been queer adjacent. Um, and that it, and I, it was never an issue of me hanging out with people who wouldn't understand. Um, if I was out, it was more that I didn't realize for a long time. Uh, that I was a queer woman because I just thought, like, I always had boyfriends.
And so if I had a girl crush or anything like that, I was just like, well, whatever, you know, girls are more affectionate. Usually, like we hug, we like, hold hands, we hang out. We have sleepovers, we do those things. And so I was just like, whatever, this is just like regular. Uh, familiarity or like a, like a level of comfort with other girls and then with other women, as I, as I got older, but since I was always dating guys, I just was like, okay, you know, I don't know, like I'm just dating guys.
It is what it is. Um, and as I got older, like into, in my early twenties, I would say early mid twenties, uh, I. Realized, like, because by this point I was married and I was like, well, I'm married. And so it doesn't really matter if I'm out or not because I was defining myself according to how a lot of other people view people who are like bisexual or pansexual, or just refer to themselves as queer.
And that is that they, um, view their sexuality based upon whoever they are currently with at the time. And so I was doing that to myself and, uh, and I was just like, I don't. I don't want to come out, not because of, um, not because I thought I would be discriminated against, but I really felt like I had a lot of privilege wrapped up in the fact, uh, that I was married to a cisgender man.
And, um, And B and like, and so I, I was very safe and, um, and it wasn't that I wanted to give up that safety by coming out. It was that it didn't in my mind, I felt like, well, it's not fair. It's not fair to other people who are in openly queer relationships, uh, because they have a harder time potentially than I do.
So they are. You know, for them to come out, it's a lot more risky or for them to, uh, have a very like public relationship. It's risky. They're risking more and because I am not really risking much by coming out, it seems a lot more performative, uh, than actually helpful. And this was an interesting thing.
Somebody who I won't say who had messaged me when I shared in my stories and her thing was, she said, you know, I'm a bisexual woman and married to a man and she was struggling with these same thoughts of, it feels like if I come out, like I'm, I'm already living this existence where I am married to a man.
So it just, it seems kind of, um, performative and kind of like, uh, you like attention grab, like, she didn't say attention, grab it. That's sort of how I felt for a lot. A lot of years now were there people in my life who knew that I was queer? Yes. But just on a public scale, um, I was not out. So all these years go by for reference like I'm 38.
So, uh, last year, it's funny because this person who I had just recently met and started to be friends with, um, it was her being brave and being courageous and saying, Hey, I'm also in a heteronormative marriage. Um, and Hey, I've, I've never actually dated women, but I am queer. For th like, it took that for me to be like, you know what, I, I just need to do this.
I need to stop getting in my head about it because the other thing was, um, That on Facebook, you know how you can have the little, the different frames that you can add onto your profile picture. So I was realizing that I was, I had many friends, like many female friends who were in my life who were married to men or in very committed relationships with cisgender men.
Um, and these are cisgender women and, uh, And they were putting up frames, like the bisexual frame, pansexual frame. Um, and I, it was really like surprising because I was like, and I had had a few conversations, um, kind of, you know, just like private conversations with other women in my life who I knew who were in the same position as me who were like, I don't feel like it's my place to come out because I'm in, uh, because like, I'm not, I'm not really risking a whole lot, um, by doing it.
So it feels very performative. It feels, um, like egregious, and almost like a slap in the face, um, to people who are much, much, much more vulnerable within the queer community, but seeing other people, uh, who were in a similar situation as mine be public. Helped give me some courage to want to do that myself, because I was like, wait a minute.
All this, all these years, all these decades, I felt very alone because, um, I almost always, I was mostly just dating men. So that was how, you know, people just assumed that I was straight. And, uh, and if these other people who are probably also having this similar lived experience to me, if they can be comfortable sharing that and it doesn't look like they're getting, you know, publicly ridiculed or anything like that, then why am I actually not being out myself?
Like, why am I not coming out? Why am I not just being more public and more open about this? Because if I know if I could easily count on one hand, other queer women who are heteronormative relationships, who are public about their sexuality, then who are all the other women in my life who are in that same boat who are maybe not seeing anyone like them be out.
And so they are too afraid or, um, concerned themselves to come out. So that was a big reason for me, why I finally was like, you know what, I just need to do this because, um, and I, and I was definitely proven, right. Because you know, based on responses I got on Instagram, there were definitely other people, even other people who don't even know me super well, who felt comfortable saying, Hey, yeah, I'm actually in this same position.
And I feel really. Um, I feel really weird about it. I have a lot of conflicting emotions around it, so I was like, you know what? I, if this helps other people feel comfortable being able to live their truth as well and not feel guilty about it and not feel like they are overshadowing anyone or anything like that, then I, I should do it then.
Then I feel good about, uh, about being public. If it helps other people feel less alone because, you know, we're, we're communal creatures. Like we really, we thrive in community. Uh, it's why people who are in various subcultures kind of glom on to each other because it gives you, uh, it gives you that sense of belonging.
So I, since other people had done that for me, since other people in my similar situation had done that for me, um, I felt like I wanted to be able to do that. It may be even just in a small way to other women. So that was kind of the backstory on that. So it was just not, I don't haven't even, definitely hasn't even been a whole like full year.
Um, but yeah, so that, that was my own a story. And I will say too, that I, when I did make that post on Facebook, um, I got a lot of positive response, even from some people, uh, who are a bit more conservative and I was really surprised that they were, um, But like of their response and it was, it was good. It was all, it was all good.
So I'm glad I did that. But now how does this segue over into my business? So obviously in my business, because I am married to a man, it would be very easy for me to just hide under that and feel like, well, I don't want to lose any business. Uh, so. I'm just, I'm just not going to mention it because there might be people out there who have some negative thoughts on people in the queer community.
And if they know that I'm queer too, then they won't want to do business with me and then I'll lose out on money. But there is a, like, there is definitely something for me that is like, I I'm drawing a line in the sand, like. If, you know, people can be who they choose to be, and we're all allowed to have our own beliefs, but I'm not going to let money or the fear of lack of money override me.
Being who I really am and because in business, because I am so, uh, I preach so much about being, you know, who you are being, um, authentic. I know authentic is kind of like a big buzzword for it right now. I just, I don't have a better, a better adjective to use. Um, but you know, being, being true to you and showing up as you really are in your business and attracting the people who will resonate with you is a huge, huge component of what I teach and what I preach when it comes to selling.
And I don't want to, uh, pretend to be one thing like, so for instance, On this podcast. Sometimes I swear on my Facebook lives. Like sometimes I swear, uh, I don't do it to be, um, I don't know, like any, I don't, I don't do it to like give me attention or seem cool. It's just, when I talk in real life, I swear.
So if there's somebody who I, I don't want to be like, so overly concerned about being professional, that then somebody hires me and they're working with me and then like, I may drop an F-bomb or something, on one of our coaching calls. I don't want them to recoil and be like, Oh my gosh, I, you know, I'm so offended.
And I, you know, I can't believe that. And that's so unprofessional. Like, no, I want you to know upfront, like I might drop an F-bomb. Like if I'm, if I'm swearing in these other places where I'm giving out like free content, there's probably a good chance that at some point when we're working, when we are working together, you're going to hear me swear.
And if you are not comfortable being around people who occasionally swear, then I'm probably not the right fit for you. And I feel like it's the, it's the same exact thing with, um, with anything else, you know, like, uh, and, and the beauty of the internet and all of that now is that we have so many options that we get to really choose who we work with, who we spend our money with.
And all of that, and that is a beautiful thing. Competition is a beautiful thing, transparency is a beautiful thing. I, if somebody truly is like, I, I want somebody who's queer to get my money, then you need to go to some, someone else for the business help that you desire because bottom line I'm not going to transform who I am at my core to appease you, just to get your money.
To me, that is totally lacking in integrity. And I'm really big about, um, keeping a high integrity in my business and helping my clients have a lot of integrity in their business. And those are people who I attract because it is who I am and I would rather eat. Uh, work and live and market myself and my business from a place of honesty and transparency and integrity and truth and all of that.
And have, you know, that right up front. So you can make a decision on whether or not you want to hire me. Um, and if you don't, then that is okay, because I'm sure that there are other people who also have, you know, homophobic thoughts and beliefs who are business consultants that. We'll gladly take your money and you'd be a perfect fit for each other.
Um, so yeah, so that is why, you know, that is something that is, is very, very, very important for me in that regard. And I, because I want to practice what I preach and because I want to magnetize people to me who will be a good fit to me. It's important to put that out there. I also want other queer business owners to know, like, to, to feel that sense of belonging and safety with me as well.
So imagine if you are a queer business owner and you are making a product specifically for the queer community, or you have a service specifically for the queer community and you want help with that? Uh, I want someone to know and feel comfortable that if they come to me and they say, um, you know, I make XYZ for, uh, for lesbians, like let's say.
Then I'm going to be like, okay, cool. Like I'm, I'm totally down to help you. I'm totally down to work with you. I support your business. That's rad. Like let's do this rather than them have to worry off the bat that like, am I going to judge them because of. Who they are because of the population they serve, anything like that.
I don't want that. I want people to know that if that is who they are, if that is who their business serves, that is all good. Like you are somebody who, uh, like it's going to be magnetized to me. I'm going to be magnetized to you. That's great. I can't wait to work with you. Like, let's do the damn thing, but, uh, you know, not every business owner.
Like if there's another business consultant who is homophobic or judgmental, they might be the greatest, uh, business consultant on the planet, but that person needs to know up front if that's not a safe person for them to be working with, in my opinion. Um, and lastly, I would say a big reason that I started my business is because I want the money to change the world. I want my clients to have money to change the world in whatever way that looks like for them.
And, uh, for me, it's very important to, to have representation. It's, there's a quote from, um, Bernay Brown in braving the wilderness. Um, one of her four, uh, like tenants or whatever in that book.
Is, um, people are hard to hate up close move in. So I think for me, it's the kind of thing where representation matters. Visibility matters. I do have a hell of a lot of privilege, uh, passing privilege and just, you know, other like types of privileges in general with my life. But I have a lot of passing privilege being in a heteronormative relationship.
I could very safely live under that umbrella and not have anyone ever know. Um, but I, I really believe that, you know, there have been people in my own life who have known me for years and years and years who have a lot more conservative beliefs than I do. And I have seen them gradually change over time.
Um, because, and I know that the current state of affairs makes it feel like. Saying that it's hard to hate up close is not actually accurate. Um, because like right now, if I'm being totally honest, it feels like, uh, we've made hate cool again. And, um, but I do think, you know, when you know someone, when you love them, when you respect them, when you appreciate them, And you think they're great.
And then they reveal this thing about you that is in opposition with a belief you've been holding for a long time. I think it makes you stop and pause and you have a few options at that point. You can either keep holding that belief, which then tells you, okay, this person who I've really, really liked and respected for all these years now, suddenly I have to.
Like hate them or judge them or be weird about them or maybe I can, re-examine my beliefs. And I feel like that is where a lot of change happens. So for me, I would rather use the privilege that I have to be helpful to make others feel comfortable about who they are and, um, and to help other people who.
Uh, hopefully would change their beliefs to be, um, more positive and inclusive and loving. I would hope that by revealing my true self, that it would shift their beliefs in a more positive direction, so that overall things can start to shift and we can see some of those changes that we really want, or at least.
I really want that people tend to gravitate toward me really want, and this isn't to say that I want to change the world so that everyone, um, believes and feels and lives in everything the way I do. I don't want that because I love diversity and thought and, uh, and experience and, and everything. Like I am a true lover of people and their stories and their experiences at heart. But I do feel like we, it is important to put my time and my energy and my money and everything in a way that is more, um, inclusive rather than divisive. And I'm a big believer in that starts with me first. And so that is why it's important for me to be out.
Now, I want to say on this at the end, if you are not out, if it does not feel safe for you to be out, if it is not safe for you to be out, if you do not feel like you are ready yet or ever will be. I also have no judgment because I'm very glad that nobody who knew that I was queer all those years. I'm really glad that nobody ever bullied me or shamed me into coming out sooner. We are all living our own lives. We are all on our own paths.
Uh, so you know, you do you, whatever, whatever feels fine and good and safe and okay for you there, I have no judgment. There's no judgment from me, but I will say that if you are listening to this and you are nodding along and you have felt very.
Um, alone or invisible or scared or anything like that? I totally get it because I was there myself for a long time, long, long time. Hopefully if you are still here and you're still with me, hopefully you have an open heart and an open mind, and you still think that I'm that rad lady that helps you run your business better.
But if you now know this about me and you, um, so quote-unquote, agree with my lifestyle then, uh, I am going to bless and release you because I also believe in strong boundaries. I love myself. I've done a lot of work to love myself and accept myself. And so I don't really, um, I'm not here to argue with anyone or to prove to you anything I'm just here to be honest, and I'm here to be me. And I hope that maybe if you had had some negative thoughts about queer people and maybe you were falling along with me, you liked me.
And then you found this out that it would open your mind and open your heart and give you a little different, um, A way to look at your own beliefs and to analyze and unpack them and hopefully change them in a more, um, positive and loving and inclusive direction.
But only you can do that for you. So that being said, uh, I am happy with who I am. Uh, I. Oh, like a lot of gratitude to my friend, Anna, for being so bold to put that out there, which gave me the courage to, um, put myself out there as well. And, uh, I guess, I don't know. I'm really appreciative of the people who stick by me no matter what and are not judgmental.
Um, and I'm also really, uh, honored that I have so many really, really wonderful, loving, amazing, talented fabulous, phenomenal queer friends and people in my life as well. So I know this was a little different, um, but I didn't hate it. Uh I'm I'm actually really, really glad that I did this. So, um, thank you for, if you, if you listen, if you got all the way to the end, um, I appreciate it.
Uh, as always, if you go to sellitsister.com, um, Nope, that's sellitsisterhood.com, sellitsister.net is where my course is, if you go to sellitsisterhood.com, um, you can hop on in my free group if you're not in there already on Facebook. And, uh, you can also hang out with me on Instagram @erikatebbensconsulting and, um, feel free if you feel so compelled to, uh, subscribe to this podcast, um, rate it, review it anything, share it, share the love and. Yeah, thank you and as always happy selling.
